Its almost 10pm now, on a Monday night. Everything seems normal. The smell of my room, the faces of my family members, the tv programs etc. And I DO feel normal, at least normal than usual. Probably that's the reason why I opened up my laptop and begin typing this entry. Feeling much sober and awake, my mind is much clearer than ever. Dont know why but recently, everything felt like spinning round and round in my life. I couldnt catch up with the people around me, couldnt even communicate with them properly (see how pathetic I was), until today. Don't know is it the Hersleys white chocolate with cookies that I indulged this morning to prevent my stomach from growling that made me felt different. I am happier, or shall I say, more satisfied with myself than any other days. I could at least joke around with the people around me at work, and it seems to me that they don't really dislike me (as how I normally will feel). Instead when I appeared friendlier, the dao expressions on their faces were gone. Instead it was replaced by slight smiles here and there. Now did i realise that the feeling of being smiled back was that great.
For the past few weeks, or months perhaps, I hated myself. Really hated myself to the core. I hated myself for not being able to change myself. There is so much for me to improve but I still cant do anything. I am frustrated by the fact that I know somethings wrong but I am not able to do anything about it. It just reflects to me that other than whining to my friends around me, I didnt manage to do anything concrete to let me love myself. How useless.
And all thanks to him. He made me realize something important that I should know or should feel in my life. He made me realize the feeling of love. Yes love. After spending 20 years of stupid life on Earth, I can only shamefully admit that I have not truly been in love, and he is the only one till now that at least, manage to show me the door to it. The door to open my heart to let love flows into it. It is so sweet, yet so agonizing at the same time when I knew the conclusion. The agony of not being able to have him in my life just weakens me, breaks me till I couldnt even believe it myself. I guess life is just like that huh. And ironically it was myself who permit myself to get hurt, so deeply, by a stranger whom I havent even met before at that time. I guess nobody's gonna truly understand what I am going through now. Some say I let myself believing into liking him so much. Some say I had been warned and I should deserve this. Some say it is not possible for me to have fallen for him that deep since we have not even started yet so I am just kicking a big fuss and I am just not letting myself to climb out of this mess pit??!!
What the fuck. You sure you understand me well enough? I dont think so man. Who wants to feel miserable at all times?? Who wants to torture oneself here and then? Oh please i am not a psycho or what so cut the crap of wanting to console me by saying I am MAKING MYSELF FEELING LIKE SHIT only. I am NOT MAKING myself feeling that way nor pitiful. I am not pitiful! I knew it myself. And I know only I can get myself out of this shit. So give me more time and if possible try to understand can. I am not letting or pushing myself falling deeper. I just did.
Btw do you want to know what is the feeling of shutting yourself from others and only manage to confide and communicate properly to your close friends? I mean hello? It is JOANNA you are talking about here isnt it?? The cheerful and bubbly crappy girl in people's eyes! Not being able to socialize with people now?? Come on.. cut the crap.. Or is it? Am I really cheerful and confident to start with? Am I that sociable? And when I became solemn and serious people just say "hey whats wrong" or "You had changed". Well I tell you, THAT might be the real me. It is just that you never seen it before so it surprises you. Too bad then. Don't take me for granted of who/what you presume I am.
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