"Different"

Those adults had been hogging my labby 4 the past few days to bet online 4 the euro cup while watching the matches at the same time! Haiz happy tt they were missing when i got back hm now. Ok shall chop chop type an entry.

I feel tt im back to those "thinking" moments again. Was thinking a lot on d bus back hm juz now. Sometimes i wonder do/have i impacted any ppl's life one way or another? Had i made a slightest difference in their life? Wld they be better or worse off if they haven't had known me in d first place?

Was talking to a guy fren & it happened tt we moved on to chat bout 1 of our common fren, one whom he juz knew. & he was commenting on tt girl which goes on like "she... is DIFFERENT." & the beam i saw in his eyes when he made tt comment, it juz struck me real hard. Not tt he LIKE her or whatsoever, at least not in those kinda context, im sure. But it gets me to wonder if anyone ever commented bout me using this word "DIFFERENT"?

Can u feel the power of this word? I suddenly came to realise tt this might possibly be the best compliment one, or rather, a girl can get frm a guy. The praise doesnt have to be pretty or smart or sporty or outgoing or friendly or whatsover (u got my meaning). Juz a simple "she is different" goes to show a lot. At that moment, that person was totally differentiated from ALL the rest of the ppl in the commentor's eyes. And i was starting to feel envious, or rather worse, jealous of this. Started to get critical bout myself all over again. Yes i know it is bad. But i juz cant help it!

I really really feel that the whole problem lies wif myself. For having flaws tt hinder me from attaining a better or happier life. For having to have such an idiotic brain tt dwells on nothing but sad stuffs, and constantly need to do something to keep my mind off those. I really wan a christian bf. One who is stronger than me spiritually, so tt i can lean on in needs of time, and whom can allow and lead me to greater faith so tt i can see the real purpose of life, of living on earth. Of living FOR Jesus.

I can still see myself as a possessive person. Thou it is not as bad as back in the past, sometimes it's still hard for me to share selflessly. Think my 3 major flaws are greed, jealousy & selfish. I dun dare to share, of fear tt others will take away wat i have when i did. Stupid isn't it? It's really tough to practise wat u preach. U noe that God wont shortchange u, & things will turn out alright ultimately, but u juz cant help to worry.... *bothered*

Haiz at least this will keep my appetite away from the time being.. Am starting to worry bout the outcome of continue indulging in those marvellous tons of varieties of chocolates bro bought frm new zealand. Stop eating joanna!!

=(