My Life, Your Story.

It's wierd to be so happy at one moment, and so downright upset at another.

I'm one horrible mood swinger, & tt scares me.

I had been a complete bitch the whole of today i realized, having to bitch non stop bout 1 person and hey did Jesus ever taught me that badmouthing & gossipping behind's ppl's back is gd? I had been so possessive, still.

I cldnt stand the thought of someone who seems like wanting to snatch something special away from me.

I juz cldnt take it! & so, i burst, literally. Like an idiotic bitch, my machine gun mouth juz cant seem to stop & all i wanna do is to keep on rattling on bout how pissed i felt towards tt person.  

*Bear with one another* is the sentence that kept echoing thru my head when i joined li for her bible study wif sis yah lan. Made me chose to keep silent for the time being towards that person, coz i see no reason in confronting bout this. It'll juz puts me in the light that im juz some narrow-minded possessive jealous unreasonable bitch. So, BEAR is the word.

*Submit to one another* is another one, which up till now, i think i'm not even close to have that sentence fuifilled in my life. It aint easy..

I'm a domineering person i feel. One who is not exactly willing to be lead by ppl unless that particular person proves to me that he/she is way off capable of leading me. But i'm not a leader either. Thou i like to make decisions, i dun like to lead, coz i dun want the responsibilities that comes along. Well but tis's not the pt.

I've been such a bitch today. Cldnt believe it. Duno wat exactly spurs this inner me out. Been a while since i last saw THIS me. Even felt ashamed to admit that im a Christian. Felt i've tainted God's name. =(

Other than this ugly side that i hope i can nvr see again, another side surfaces again, after so long. This me which i chose to avoid and avoid till it becomes a pressing prob that i feel i have to face it now liao.

When cg meeting starts the topic of "healthy self-esteem" this evening, i was like, "ohhh ok..." And i was telling myself that i have gotten over THAT period in my life, & am no longer what ppl claimed as a "low self-esteem" person, so i shldnt be so sensitive bout this issue anymore. But apparently it's not true.

This issue, which i'd alwiz wanted to hide it as long as i can, thou nvr solved to its roots, surfaced up again & here i sat, crying like hell, stupidly came to realized that i STILL haven come to love myself yet, and yes still a freaking low self esteem grl who hopes to change almost everything of herself.

I seriuosly think there is a big problem wif me. It's not bout the figure issue anymore, thou im still fat. I feel that im fighting with this small little satan inside me, this devil who makes me feel utmost horrible & disgusted wif myself sometimes, having to constantly blaming myself 4 all the things that i'd did to make myself suffer, and that i deserved them alright like in the cases of mav, jake & norman.

This devil is preventing me from loving others. How on earth can one truly loves others if he/she has not learn to love ownself yet? Im not making any progress in loving myself, & that frustrates me. REALLY. I know i have a barrier to overcome, but i duno how  to go about doing it. & it's even scarier when yah lan said bout praying does no help in increasing own self-esteem. It's a process that needs time & effort rather. & i feel that im losing my child-like faith towards God le.. Sick sick..

Haiz how i wish i can type in chinese. I'm making no sense here & its going no where. I cant convey my thoughts here at all liao.  Shall stop then.

At least i managed to vent something out. Good thing to have a "venting machine".

Haiz