My Life, Your Story.

Reading His Needs Her Needs - Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley lately (very insightful), and there was this chapter that i just feel like blogging about it here. =)

Basically the book is broken down into chapters based on the 5 Top Needs of a Man (Husband) & the 5 Top Needs of a Woman (Wife), and of coz, i was specially interested in finding out not only WHAT are the 5 Top needs of a man, but WHY are these needs on the top of the list for a typical man, whereas we woman have an entirely different set of 5 other top needs.

One Top Need of a man (note the exact title) - He NEEDS a Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse

Well before u start scolding how SHALLOW guys are, let's look at this para:

"When She Looks Good, He Feels Good."

A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that's what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most man HAVE A NEED FOR AN ATTRACTIVE WIFE. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They appreciate the way she looks.

Do most women have the same need for attractiveness in their husbands? No. They may want their husbands to look decent, but most woman do not rank an attractive spouse among their top five emotional needs. Woman often fall in love with men who are overweight, homely, or sloppy dressers because these men know how to meet their most important emotional needs, such as the needs of affection, conversation, and financial support.

....Was she more mature than her husband, who was admittedly attracted by her appearance? No. She simply had DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL NEEDS. For her, physical attractiveness did not do as much for her as it did for him. She put effort into making herself look good because she knew IT WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY. In return, he put effort into meeting her needs for affection, conversation, and financial support. ..."

In this book, the author quoted a real life eg., that a woman complained that her husband should LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS, not by WHAT SHE DOES. The author rebuked her by saying "You want to be loved for who you are and not for what you do. We all do. But you didn't decide to marry (or be with) your husband for who he is, but rather for what he did. If he had not met any of your emotional needs when you dated him, you would not have even considered him as a life partner. And if after you were married, he stopped meeting your needs, your feelings for him would have changed considerably. Your love would have simply fade away."

Rings a bell doesn't it! I have a real life example here... my own example haha. Come to think about it I didn't start to really like Andy by just observing who he is, but i started really falling for him when WHAT HE DID TO ME really touched me. He showered me with affection, fulfilling my needs for communication, quality time, attention, care, love etc... All these is not based on who he is, but WHAT HE DID.. We are together closing to a year, and I am so much in l0ve with him now than i was before when we just got together. Hee. Because of what he did to me.. his sacrifices etc.. If I love him for WHO HE IS, then seriously my love for him will not have increased significantly through this 1 year, coz he is still who he is. But it's what HE DID FOR ME, that made me love him even more than compared to 1 yr ago!

Same goes to him.. He loves it when i make him feel good about himself (admiration), or when i fulfilled my weekly exercise regime to keep fit (attractiveness!). Which reminded me of a past conversation we had.. =p

When we just got together, I asked him when was it that he realized he likes me and wants to start a serious relationship with me. & his answer almost made me fell off my chair. =p Yes true, we had a strong foundation of friendship.. plus my personality, same frequency and chemistry that we had were the things tt made me stand out.. but the TURNING POINT was actually.......(warning: this might sound disturbing to some girls, but i've came to accept that's just how a typical guy operates) yes the turning point for Andy to really see me as someone potential... actually happened during one fine church service.... when upon seeing me that day, somehow, somewhat, he was physically attracted to me & it dawned on him - hmm. actually jo's very pretty..... HAHAHA. Serious! His turning point! As simple as that! =p Sometimes he finds me prettier than I even find myself la.. -_-"

I know i've shared some really personal stuffs here.. but this book really taught me the different needs both genders have.. & if ignored, we might pay a great price in the end.. It made me understand that falling & staying in love is not just entirely based on frequency, chemistry, personalities etc... true they played a part in the initial stages.. But the key to continue staying in love (i love this book!) is actually striving to continuously meeting each other's needs. And it's not easy, coz our needs are soooo different. It's like telling me to keep a particular hairstyle, coz Andy likes the way i look in that, or for me to watch my weight etc, coz it meant a lot to him. Same thing, guys don't understand how we woman crave so much for affection, opennesss, honesty & communication from them. =p

Love = Giving at the EXPENSE of OWNSELF, whereas
Lust = Taking at the EXPENSE of OTHER.

I think being with the right person can really make you become a better, selfless person. ;)
Kudos to God! He's so smart. Training us to be more like Him through this way. Heh.

Somehow, saying "He should love me for WHO I AM" sounds immature now.... phew.

Go grab this book if you can. It's really gd. I can't lend lah, coz it's highlighted & filled with writings (they got qns & assignments in it tt's why) tt are meant for only Andy & i to read. Cheers~ =)